


Torino Nights

by flothauvin98



Category: Original Work
Genre: Amish culture, Casual misogyny, Gen, Juventus Turin, Misandry, Spies & Secret Agents, alternative universe - western pennsylvania, buggie riding, napoli propaganda, sibling hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:53:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23132734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flothauvin98/pseuds/flothauvin98
Summary: three girls in a transcontinental throuple meet up to take out football's greatest villian.
Kudos: 2





	1. Keystone State

It was dawn in Latrobe, Pennsylvania. The students of Saint Vincent College had not awoken yet. Most of them were nursing hangovers from last night's halloween party that ended in one trip to the emergency room, two unplanned pregnancies, three arrests and four explusions. Among the attendees of last night's monster mash was Kristen Goldwick, a history major with serious attachment issues. She of course dragged along her poor roommate Madison Albatross who everyone knows as "maddy" or "that weird marxist chick." Maddy left the party early due to her general uncomfort around drunk frat guys and catholics. She went back to her dorm room around 2 AM and had planned on catching up mrs. maisel and binge eating some pierogi but her plans were disturbed by an unknown presence in her bed. Madison panicked and looked through her closet for her umbrella - it's pennsylvania - but she couldn't find it anywhere. And that's when she realized that Kristen brought it with her because she said it 'completed her costume.' She was going as a sexy nurse. "FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKKKK", she exploded.

"Hey Ladison could you maybe be a bit more quiet. I'm in a cheeseball induced food coma and i really need my rest.", mumbled the stranger in her bed.

There was only one person on earth that called her Ladison. "B-but it can't be. You're supposed to be in Sweden!", she spluttered. The girl in her bed let out a loud sigh of discontent and threw the bed bath and beyond sheets on the floor. "We have a job to do. I'll explain it all on the way but first we need to get Kate", Libin explained.

"HOW. THE FUCK. ARE YOU. HERE?!", Maddy exclaimed. The Swede sighed. "Listen if you keep yelling you're gonna alert your dorm neighbours and then i'm gonna have to knock them out which I really don't wanna do considering I just ate two whole tubs of cheese coated puffed corn snacks. I'm here on a special mission and my job is to take you and Kate to Turin with me to finally finish the job." Ladison immediately calmed down and merely asked "When do we leave?"

"Now", Libin responded. And just like that a helicopter flew down from the sky. It made little to no noise and looked kind of like a little amish buggy. The pilot was a tall caucasian man - it's Pennsylvania - with a long gray beard and beady eyes that sat deep in his skull. He was wearing a straw hat and his clothes seemed like they were from a different time. "This is Ezekiel. He'll be our driver tonight" Madison hesitated to enter a chopper that looked like a weird ride in an amish themed amusement park

"What's wrong maddy?", She asked in an seemingly gentle tone. That was until she narrowed her eyes and asked "Are you.... amishphobic?"

"No, No, NO!", Maddy flailed her arms desperately trying to assure her friend and Ezekiel that she fully supports the mennonite community. "Because if you are......." 

"I'M NOT I'M JUST...... LOOK CAN WE JUST GO TO DALLAS AND FIND KATE BEFORE KRISTEN COMES HOME?"

Libin and Ezekiel locked eyes for what felt like a century and then Ezekiel nodded and Libin opened the tiny window in Maddy's dorm. Her friend jumped off the window and into the helicopter. She then looked at Madison with an urgent look and told her to hop on. In normal circumstances she would protest jumping off of a window into a helicopter but there was no time to spare because Kristen would be coming home soon. 

The trio flew away in the buggie-chopper and just in time because Kristen drunkenly barged into the dorm and immediately noted that something was wrong. The temperature in the room was way too cold.

"I know she's a communist but she doesn't need to make our room as cold as Russia for fucks sake"


	2. City of Hate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and then there were three

After a few hours of air travel which left Madison seriously ill, they were finally getting close to Dallas. "Hey Ezekiel, do you have any barf bags?", she asked in desperation. "No can do milady. That sort of English nonsense is prohibited in Amish society", the pilot replied. "Oh yes I completely understand Sir", she uttered sarcastically. But it seems that sarcasm had yet to arrive to The Pennsylvania Dutch. "I'm glad you're not one of those harlots who willfully disposes herself of God's food. They told me all the English women do that." Shocked by his deeply insensitve and honestly offensive statement, Maddy merely mumbled some Staves lyrics to herself to imagine that she was in Watford listening to Emily, Jessica and Camilla cover Bruce Springsteen's 'I'm on fire'. At some point she assumed the fetal position and began to rock herself back and forth. Just as she was about to fully disassociate, Libin announced that they had arrived near Kate's home

They landed in the middle of the calm, suburban road and Libin pondered how they were supposed to know which one was Kate's. "I might be going off the rails here but I'm pretty sure hers is the one with the giant SSC Napoli flag on the roof", Madison mused. "Maybe so but how are we supposed to get in", the younger of the two countered

"Don't they teach you about Shakespeare in Sweden?", Ladison teased. "Be a bit old school about it", she said as she picked up a few rocks aiming them at one of the windows in The Gabbert family home. It took a few tries for her to actually hit one of the windows but eventually she did break through. However the trio had forgotten that The Gabbert family was a quintet and that Kate had two other siblings. And so when Jamie Gabbert awoke one November morning she saw two strange women and one amish guy standing outside her house. "Kate's room is that one. Don't wake me up again", the youngest Gabbert chid said while pointing to the left window. She then tiptoed back to bed and fell asleep. 

"At least it wasn't Kenneth", Maddy whispered. 

They broke through Kate's window and waited for her to awaken. She didn't. 

Ezekiel called out her name in that booming voice of his hoping she'd wake up. She didn't

Madison tried to throw another rock into the window expecting her to come to. She didn't 

Eventually they decided that it would be best for them to just climb up into her room. Ezekiel pulled out a small ladder from his little buggie. The girls didn't want to ask why or how he got that in there. Maddy quickly ascended to the top of the ladder and looked down at her friend expecting her to follow her up to the window. "This may be a kind of bad time to admit this but I'm kinda sort of maybe scared of heights", Libin stammered looking down at her shoe soles. Maddy sighed and reminded her young friend that if they didn't do this Ronaldo would live to see another day. It proved that was enough to spur on the young Swede and they both climbed up into their friend's room.

Kate Gabbert's bedroom was a work of art. Posters of Dries Mertens and Miralem Pjanic littered her wall and by her bedside there was a little drawing of a footballer wearing a number 7 jersey with his head cut off and his innards spilling from his gut.The drawing was right next to her cowgirl hat - it's Texas - and her car keys. Maddy tried to shake Kate's body a bit hoping it would wake her up. "She's obviously a deep sleeper", Libin interjected before bitchslapping her unconscious friend across the face and yelling at her to wake up. 

She did.

A clearly shaken Kate looked at the two trespasser recognizing them as her friends. But one of them should bein Pennsylvania and the other should be in Europe. "W-what the fuck is going on", she stuttered. "Listen, Kate. Katie. Katherine. Ileana. We need you to get dressed and come with us. We're going on a trip"

"Like....... Cancun?", the Texan quizzed.

"No we were thinking more like Turin", Madison chimed in.

The eldest Gabbert's facial expression immediately changed and she threw away her egyptian cotton sheet and went into her walk in closet. Maddy stopped to admire the craftsmanship put into Kate's bedsheets. She wondered what the thread count was.

"Are we going casual or formal?", Kate inquired

"We can buy clothes in Italy. Just take something warm.", Libin chided whilst trying to convince her Pennsylvanian friend that bringing along their other friend's bedsheets for 'closer inspection' was a very bad idea. 

Before long Kate stepped out of her closet in her typical leggings, white tee and denim jacket. "Looks nice. Just lose the cowgirl boots", Maddy commented. 

"This is the only warm footwear i have - it's Texas - and i really like them" 

"Okay fine. Let's just go back to the buggie-chopper. It's almost 6 AM and Ezekiel has to be back to Dayton by 2 to plow the fields.",The youngest of the group (and self-appointed leader) insisted.

"Buggie-chopper?"

"JUST GET DOWN THE GODDAMN WINDOW BEFORE I LET LADISON TAKE YOUR SHEETS WITH HER"

"Sheets? I get the Sheets?", Madison beamed. Libin considered throwing both of them out of the window but that would certainly wake up Jamie and she had to admit that she was slightly terrified of the young girl. "Every second we waste here is another second for Ronnie to withold orgasms from Georgina. Let's get down the ladder and get to Turin as soon as we can"

For some weird reason (most likely the glare she threw at both of them) her friends complied and got down to the buggie-chopper to complete their mission. 

The girls and Ezekiel were soon back in the air deadset (heh) on killing the man they all loved to hate.

Meanwhile in the Gabbert household, Kenneth Gabbert was down in the kitchen feasting on leftovers from last night when he heard a weird sound from outside the house. He peeked out the window and saw a vehicle that looked like a helicopter but smaller and more........ vintage? He ran outside and tried to chase after it and almost caught up when he saw his older sister stick her head out of the helicopter and flip him off. The shock of seeing that prissy baby made him stop in his tracks and he could only watch her fly off into the distance. 

"MOM YOU WON'T GUESS WHAT KATE'S DONE THIS TIME", Kenneth shreiked and he heard his little sister yell back, "SHUT THE FUCK UP KENNETH SOME OF US HAVE DANCE PRACTICE TOMORROW YOU COCKSUCKER"


End file.
